The last week has been really hard. The depression I feel is really big. Maybe it is because I am digging up all those childhood memories. I am not really sure.
The one that my mind seems to fixated on right now is my expectations about something. I thought there was more to that than there really was at all. Now I am dealing with having those expectations. I feel lousy for sitting myself up again to fall. I also hate myself for not learning by now that it isn’t that way. That I am just stupid for setting myself over and over again.
Also being healthier is taking its toll on me in the form of withdrawals. Giving up any kind of medicine. All I take now is vitamins. Which is hard because I became used to the pain pills. Also cut down my smoking to five smokes a day. Would like to get it down more but five seems like a good compromise for now.
Maybe it is everything and some of them that is making more depressed than usual. I don’t know why my mind dwells on these things at times. There is nothing that can be done about my childhood. Nothing that really can be done about having high expectations. I tried to lower them but I didn’t like the person I become in the process. Eventually I will get over my need for pain killers and adjust to my lower amount that I am smoking. The mind is a tricky thing at times, often times not making sense.
I want to try to control the depression by looking at the positives in my life. The only problem is that there really isn’t any. You look at the people they present as being a success overcoming whatever challenges they had in life and I am nowhere close to that. If anything I am more of a failure. Its not like I became the boss of some big company, have lots of money, or anything like that. But I do have some positives of my own that at least to me shows me that I am not a failure.
The first one is that I am still alive. I have lost count of the number of times I try to commit suicide. There where a couple of times I should have been dead. Maybe luck more than anything had something to do with that. But at one time, it was the only solution I saw to what was going on in my life at the time. I am not sure why I quit trying to kill myself. I like to think that I believed in myself enough to keep living. But I think the reality was that I was failing at suicide so might as well try to make something out of my life if I have to live it.
Took a long time before the idea of committing suicide as the solution to my problems no longer played a part in my choices. I think I had gradually convince myself that I could do something with my life. That taking it away would be a waste indeed. The idea of suicide is still there in mind. I don’t think it is something that every completely goes away. It just something that doesn’t have much power in guiding my actions anymore. Something that gets dismissed as fast as it appears.
Another positive thing in my life is that I am married. I have been now for 17 years. Have known my partner for 20 years. To say I would be in this position of being in a loving and committed relationship with someone that long would seem like one of the fantasies that go around in my head. For a long time I didn’t believe in myself enough that I thought I could provide anything to anyone let alone a serious relationship. On top of that I had trust issues with people. That is something you really need in a relationship of any kind is trust in the other person.
I wonder why I even started a relationship with this person in the first place. I think more than anything it was because when we first meet and spent time together I was happy. Sure there where other reasons but I think being happy was biggest on the list. I wanted that. I didn’t want to play it safe and go back to the life I had before I meet my partner. Being happy was worth taking a big risk.
One last thing I should think about to stay positive is my body. It is usually something I loathe most of the time. But that has changed recently. I am doing walking and other things for exercise. Slowly building how much I do each week. It is starting to pay off. I don’t look like some fat slob anymore. Starting to get fit and lose that fat. I figure if I am going to be stuck with this body, might as well make it fit and attractive.
In writing this post, I have realized that despite what I get depressed about, there is a lot to be positive about. Like I said earlier nothing great, but for me it seems great. Especially when I consider where I was at one time and now. That is something to be proud about and not depressed.
