For me, I think the hardest part about life now isn’t so much life itself, but what to do with it. Most of my childhood was about getting wrong advice or just turned off from the world and then when I became an adult it was more about finding ways to get myself out of the toxic environment I was in so I can be my own person that I really don’t have a clue.
Weighing Me Down
The last week has been really hard. The depression I feel is really big. Maybe it is because I am digging up all those childhood memories. I am not really sure.
A Childhood Game
Talking with other people about certain subjects reminds me of childhood. The conversation being something like this one
“Is”
“Is Not”
“Is”
“Is Not”
And so on…. To me a complete a waste of time to me. If I wanted that kind of conversation, I will go talk to my grandchildren.
Bathroom Break
I sometimes wonder if I should bother writing. It just seems to take up so much of my time doing it. It just takes up so much time, because it is hard to find the words to describe what was going on. To capture the intensity, feelings or something that occurred over years in a few thousand words. Well I am going to give it a try today. Especially in regards to my childhood and bathrooms.
The First
A trip down memory lane tonight. Thinking about the serious relationships in my life. Not exactly a lot of them in my life. I thought maybe I should look back on them in this post.
The Big City aka Where the Monster Lives
Thinking back on my childhood, there was times when it was good. Like before I was six years old, it was good because my father had yet to become the monster he would become. But even after I was six years old there was times when it was good. Usually involved any time I was away from my father for any length of time. One summer it was really good when I repeated trips to the big city.
The Victory Lap
That is what I call the walk with the dog around the block. The last walk I take for the day after doing the more lengthy walks. Gives me a chance to cool down and gives the dog some time outside. But there is something new involved in doing the victory lap.
Another Failure
I started a post about something from my childhood and ended up not finishing it. I felt like I failed at the task yet again. Part of the reason why I haven’t bothered to post anything for a few days because I did fail.
Should We Become Friends?
After all of this time, she shows up again. Wants to be my friend on Facebook. Like that will happen, but does stir up the pot of emotions.
Fork in the Road
I have been thinking again about the reasons why I join the military. The reason I would tell anyone at the time why I did it was to do my patriotic duty. Later on, I would tell people that I joined to escape my abusive father. That is true as long as you don’t get into specifics too much. My father was abusive and I did join to escape him. But the abuse wasn’t what I was escaping from with joining. Instead I was escaping from temptation and revenge.
