Some said something to me that really did shake me up. They where talking about what they wanted to be when they grow up. I realized I never really had those fantasies growing up. That if anything my childhood was more about just trying to find a way to survive.
With that it is hard to think about the future and what you would like to be in life. That if anything my choices in life where more about trying to navigate what was going on at the moment. A moment that was usually too much for me to handle in a good way. That often I did things that I thought where wrong but I didn’t know better at the time.
Even there was a way to handle it better, I wouldn’t have a clue what that may be at the time. I didn’t really have anyone after I was seven years that could guide and help me develop as a person. I had plenty of people that would tell me what I was doing wrong, judge, criticize and tear me down but no one that would help me develop as a person.
For so long, I believe that there was something wrong with me that would explain why I was treated this way. Over time I came up with different ideas. Use those ideas to try to correct myself so my life would get better. But my life didn’t get better, at times it became worse. So started blaming the universe for my problems. The universe didn’t care either for being blamed for something that wasn’t its fault either. I ended up being very alone.
In a way that worked. I was alone but felt safe. Alone worked for a while because it allowed to start healing my wounds. But I realized that alone wasn’t something that would work in the long term. After all I am just an human being and I need help at times. Also despite my experiences in life, I realized that only did I need people in my life, not everyone was bad.
When I look back from where I was to where I am know, I realize I have come a long way. That there is nothing wrong with me or the universe. That if anything shit just happens. I just happen to be unlucky when I was young. Along with some poor choices along the way didn’t help. But I cannot sit here and judge anymore about those choices anymore made by someone else that affected me. After all I have made my share of bad choices in life. Just like everyone else I am just someone doing the best they can with what have.
